How I Met My Dream Woman

***Warning- this story contains sappy, cheesy elements mixed with loads of the dramatic. You were warned.

Christi and I have a rather unique story of how we connected. We both attended Union University. She was one grade ahead of me but I knew who she was. Who didn’t know Christi Byrd! She was friends with everyone. She was the Baptist Student Union President and she was Homecoming Queen at Union. Not only did she love Jesus, she was gorgeous. She was godly and beautiful, a perfect mix.

Christi and I were acquaintances at best. I taught a Greek lab (that’s Greek not Geek), where students practiced their Greek vocabulary words. She was in the Greek lab I taught. We also had a few classes together but never really spoke besides a quick hello. I had my own friends and dated a few girls throughout the college years but was always frustrated with the dating scene. It felt so foolish to me. I always felt like a child playing grown up. I mean I had no real clue about love and commitment and neither did they.

With the influence of my youth pastor and my own frustrations, my junior year of college I pushed dating aside. Now I am not saying girls all across campus wept in grief that I was no longer available. I mean I could get a date. The ratio was 4 girls to 1 at Union so every guy had a chance! I just didn’t want to go the dating approach anymore to find the one. I was ready for something more supernatural.

I remember clearly praying to the Lord that I was sick of the effort of dating to find the one. I was 20 years old and I was ready to be single as long as the Lord willed it. I was determined that if I were going to get married, He would need to intervene. Did I want to get married? Absolutely! I just became convinced through my own trial and error that I would probably make the wrong draft pick out of all the potential prospects. I was the Cleveland Browns of dating!

So for a little over a year I stuck to my commitment. I focused on the Lord and enjoyed the mess out of my junior year. Sure My friends worried that I was going to become a monk with my no dating plan and though she has never admitted it, I think my mom worried I had quit liking girls if you know what I mean. Come on mom! That definitely was not the case. I just couldn’t do the games anymore.

In March of 1996 I applied to work as a support staff for the summer for Centrifuge camp. I applied to be the Resident Assistant at the dorms on Union’s campus. It was an extremely competitive job to get and when the list of the thirty or so students who were chosen was published I was on it. I was pumped! I came back to my dorm room and ran into Robert Grisham. Robert and I had been friends since high school and had roomed together a couple of times. I showed him the list and he stopped on a name and said, “Christi Byrd.” I knew who she was as I mentioned above and asked what he was meaning. In a very matter of fact way Robert proceeded to tell me that he thought her and I would get together and I would marry her. It’s like my roommate told me I would be going out to buy a lottery ticket and would win the jackpot. Yeah right! I am pretty sure I told him he had lost his mind.

Summer came and our first day of work we were split up in pairs to do towel laundry. Guess who I got paired up with: Christi Byrd. Now as romantic as doing towel laundry can be, nothing really magical happened that day but we did get to talk. I didn’t think much of it besides what my crazy roommate had told me a month back! As the days went on Christi and I found ourselves in the same spaces more and more. I came up with a brilliant idea for us to study Greek together to get ready for the coming semester. When I told Nathan Joyce, my other roommate, about it he had a field day with the info. He would ask me constantly, “how is studying Christi, I mean Greek, going??”

I enjoyed our time studying together to say the least. The summer was about half way over and by this time my mind was racing. I had Christi on the brain 24/7. We were barely friends and I had no idea what she thought about me. I would have been content to just keep my growing attraction quiet until the night we played Speed.

Speed is a card game you play where you try and get as many cards as you can by having the higher number when you both flipped a card. It goes really fast and you have to pay careful attention. A lot of us were playing in the commons area (we couldn’t go to each other’s rooms because we weren’t allowed to have girls in the room) and Christi and I found ourselves matched up to play. We played and I don’t remember who won but what I do remember was the jolt of lightning that happened when our hands touched while picking up the cards. I know what you are thinking right now. “Dax that’s called static and it happens all the time!” No this was so much different. That hurts! This was like a jolt of lightning that hit us both and it felt magical. I could tell she felt it too. It was a powerful energy that hit me as I touched her soft, inviting hand. It confirmed everything for me in that moment. I knew she was the one or at least I knew I wanted her to be the one. Now how to convince her to say the same about me!

I went home that night in a daze. I had met the girl of my dreams and touching her was like holding on to electricity. I decided that night that I would ask her out. I would break my dating fast because this one could be the one! A few days later I finally saw an opportunity but what I did was nothing like I had planned.

It was a Friday night and our shifts for work at the camp were over. Christi was a lifeguard and she was walking back from the pool and I had just finished playing ping pong with some of the Fuge campers. I saw an opportunity to walk with her and decided this was the moment I would ask her out. We talked all the way back to the common area and sat down and continued to talk. I was getting up the nerve and I finally decided to reveal my feelings.

I saw a moment in the conversation and I took it. Here is how I planned it:

“Christi, it has been fun getting to know you this summer and if you wanted to we should go grab lunch sometime.”

What I actually said:

“Christi, you are going to be my wife. I love you.”

What in the world did I do! It just came out. I knew I had hoped it but I didn’t mean to say it out loud yet! Nothing i could do now. It was out there. Christi just stared at me. She didn’t say anything! I was convinced that I had completely scared her away! When she finally spoke she said: “I absolutely believe the same thing. You will be my husband. I am in love with you too.” It was a joyous moment. I didn’t do a dance but my heart lept and my dreams were being realized in that moment. We had never been out and already proposed our desire to marry each other. No games in this for sure!

Two weeks later we went to Nathan’s wedding. It was at that wedding we began to talk seriously about wedding plans. All this before our first date. When we got back we left to go home for a few weeks before fall semester started. We talked on the phone some but we didn’t see each other being three hours away from each other.

When school started back I couldn’t wait to see Christi. The second week of school Christi spoke for a BSU worship night and I was to do the closing prayer. When I went up there I asked her to come back up. I dropped to a knee, pulled out a ring, and proposed to the girl of my dreams in front of those 300 people. The question I got all that night was: “I didn’t even know you two were dating!” We weren’t! We didn’t go on our first date until after we were engaged! Five months later I married Christi and we have now been married 21 years and counting. She is still the girl of my dreams and God gave her to me! I asked him to provide and He knocked it out of the park! Thank you Lord for bringing us together.

Ten Things Every Church Member Likes To Hear From His or Her Pastor

I am super blessed to serve at Heartland Worship Center. Like all churches, it is made up of infected saints, but it truly is a family. They love their pastors well and trust them to lead. Not only that, they are a joy to lead.

Most pastors feel like I do, but are they saying it? Here are ten things every church member would like to hear from his or her pastor:

1. “I love you.” Whether the budget is in excess or deficit, attendance is high or low, or whatever good or challenging times are about, the church needs to hear their pastor say the words. It cannot be assumed. It needs to be said and said often. The people need to know pastors care for them.
2. “I want to be here for a long time.” It is so common today for pastors to have a short tenure. The average is less than five years. With such a short stay, it is hard for churches to fully follow their pastors as they wonder when they will leave. Churches need to hear from pastors that they desire to stay long-term. If you cannot say this as a pastor, then you need to find somewhere you can for the good of the church.
3. “I will provide a vision that is biblical and obtainable.” People without vision perish, the Scriptures tell us. The people of God need to know what they are called to do. They need a compelling vision to unite them. A pastor needs to inspire them to follow a vision that makes the name of Christ famous and glorifies the Father.
4. “I will say the hard things even if it offends you.” Pastors should not set out to offend their people as some kind of spiritual marker, but there are things that need to be said that will not always sit well with sinners. Pastors have to stand against abortion, abuse, sexual sin, immodesty, immorality, homosexuality, and anything else that is offensive to God. It matters not if it is popular to say or not. A pastor’s standard is not the will of the people but the will of God.
5. “I will put my heart and soul into my preaching and teaching.” The people of God are desperate to hear God’s Word. Every week, they need to be confronted by its truth in their lives. The pastor must use every opportunity to bring it with passion and clarity, depending on the Holy Spirit to take the Word and penetrate the hearts of the people.
6. “I will not cater to a few.” Pastors cannot give preference to their buddies in church. They serve all the people, even the ones they disagree with or whom annoy them. It hinders the church if pastors cater to the powerful, wealthy, or popular of the church.
7. “I will pray for you daily.” How can a pastor be effective for his people if he does not pray for them daily? They need to hear often that he is interceding for them. A praying pastor is an effective one.
8. “I will share my faith with the lost.” Pastors must lead in evangelism. It is crucial we share the faith outside the walls of the church. Pastors must be on the front lines of this. This means developing relationships with lost people and not just Christians.
9. “I fail often in my walk with Christ.” Pastors need to be vulnerable with their people about their failures. We are all infected saints. It is crucial the people don’t feel preached down to but preached in to. This will only happen when the pastor shares his own convictions brought on by the Word of God. Good shepherds are honest about their struggles with their people.
10. “I will communicate with you what is going on in the church.” Church members desire to know what is going on in the church. This means clear and consistent communication. There is no way to get the word out on everything perfectly, but the people should feel the pastors take the time to let them know what is going on.

Pastors are called to people, and those people need to hear the above from their pastors. It is an honor to serve the Lord and our people. Let them hear it.

You Said What On Facebook?

Social media is a great tool for connecting with friends from anywhere, for allowing people into our lives who want to see it, for information, and sometimes even for inspiration. There is a lot to like about social media. I use it constantly for making spiritual challenges and to communicate to church members. I like to highlight good things my kids are doing and to brag on my wife. But social media can also be the devil. I do not exaggerate. I have seen it destroy friendships, marriages, and young adult’s reputations. I have seen it be used to hurt others and as a tool for bigotry and hate.

Here are three specific ways I see social media being used in a harmful way:

1. 1) A place to publicly shame others.

We see something posted we don’t like or something in the media that angers us and we attack with shame grenades. It feels so right in the moment. We are dispensing justice to the atrocities of what we feel. How dare they? It is only right that I call them out publicly. We feel so self righteous. And then all the people pleasers out there feel the tension of our post and so they like it and make a comment supporting us, most of the times out of a desperate desire to be liked by us than because they agree with our tirade.

You see it all the time. Someone starts their post with “You may not want to read what I am about to say. I am about to rant.’ Two things you should know when you see this. This person desperately wants you to read what they are saying or else they would not feel that way and then put it on public display. Secondly, you will see several comment who don’t necessarily further the discussion or disagree with it but quickly try to associate with the ranter out of a need to be liked. I am not trying to be harsh here but to make us aware of what is happening. It is toxic, my friends.

We also love to bash those who are unreachable to us. Celebrities and politicians are typically our target here. We shame them with hateful posts and feel justified in it because we don’t know them personally and we feel confident they want read it anyway. We just rally the other haters to shame with us. What does it accomplish? Better question is how does God receive glory from it?

Another way we shame is by setting up a straw man, an anonymous person, that we attack. We say something like “For all those posting about such and such, you are this and that.” Then everyone on our feed is left to wonder are they talking about me and if not me, then who?? Again what benefit comes from this. If I see someone saying something that I think is wrong I should approach them personally. That is what the Bible says to do in Matthew 18. This passive aggressive way of calling out the Straw Man is cowardly.

Am I ever guilty of shaming others on social media? I have committed this sin before. I am guilty as anyone. We need to call it was it is, sin. There is nothing Christian about it. The reason it feels so good is because it appeals to our sinful nature. This post will be very hard to swallow because most of us are guilty to one degree or another. The right response is not to justify our actions but to repent. To confess our wrong to God and to stop doing it.

2) A place for married people to connect or reconnect with a  person of the opposite sex in a dangerous way.

I do a lot of counseling and I used to be amazed how much social media played a role in affairs. It has become an epidemic. What starts out as connecting with a new friend or reconnecting with a friend from the past turns into flirting through private messages, which can turn into a whole lot more. Social media makes us much bolder, more confident, to the point we might find ourselves doing things we would not normally do. Before we know it we have crossed a line.

Be careful of open ended questions you ask someone of the opposite sex. i call these “feeler” statements. You are trying to gauge interest or someone is trying to gauge interest from you. It can be very subtle but it has potential to lead to infidelity. Also avoid pitfalls like buying into the notion that a little flirting is ok. It is never ok to hurt your spouse by flirting with someone else. Also never, ever, ever confide in someone of the opposite sex about problems in your marriage through social media. If you re struggling in your marriage meet with someone of the same sex who can offer goodly counsel. If you engage in spouse bashing with someone of the opposite sex, it is a sure fire way to lead to an unhealthy emotional connection with that person.

Jesus tells us to flee sexual sin. He is so serious about sin, like this, that he tells us if your eye cause you to sin, gouge it out! Don’t put your guard down on social media with people of the opposite sex. Don’t assume their intentions are innocent. Hold your spouse accountable on social media. Don’t be paranoid but be aware of who they are talking with. If your spouse gets defensive of your desire to hold them accountable, then that can be a warning sign.

 

3) A place to hate

Some of us need blood pressure medicine because we get so frustrated, so angry, at what some post. It drives us bonkers. Another picture of their child, another solicitation to buy their product, another comment about a topic they know little about. What I have learned is we get the most frustrated about things that we are prone to do ourselves. I was talking to someone recently who made a comment about someone on social media posting selfies all the time. I mentioned to them that I noticed that they posted pictures of themselves constantly too but with someone in the picture with them. They didn’t like that observation from me! Reality is someone could make the same assumption about them as they were about this other person. We need to be careful about judging the intentions of others. We sure don’t like it when it is done to us.

Here is a simple rule. If someone bothers you by their posts unfollow them. Don’t mention it to others to get a jab in on them. If you say something to someone else then you are wrong because you are gossiping and backbiting. It does not matter if they are wrong or not. No one deserves to be shamed by you! Just simply don’t follow them.

Now here is a way to grow. Ask yourself if what frustrates you about them is something you struggle with as well. Be careful of blindspots in your life. Be careful you are not judging something in others that you are guilty of.

Social media can be a beautiful place. It can be a place of torment and destruction as well. If you are Christian then you don’t get a Christian timeout on social media. God expects you to represent Him well on social media. Keep your guard up. If you can’t fight the temptation to be shameful, angry, gossipy, or lustful on social media then close your account for the sake of your own soul.

5 Things to Never Say To Your Wife

 

Wisdom means knowing when to say something but also knowing when to keep your mouth shut. For those who are married or in a dating relationship, you learn quickly that there are some things that shouldn’t be said. When they are spoken it can get ugly quickly. Here are five things I have learned through my own school of hard knocks not to say to my wife. Maybe they will help you learn quicker than i did. These are in no particular order. They all are equally  foolish!

 

Why can’t you be more like…

Now it really doesn’t matter who you finish a sentence like that with. Comparing your wife to anyone will be all but disastrous for you. You might pay for it for years and years. Comparisons are a bad idea! Heed my advice here. Your very life may be at stake.

Stop being so sensitive.

Being that you are most likely the reason your wife is agitated at this moment makes this statement even more dangerous. If you want to have the exact opposite effect of what you were hoping, utter these four words. I promise you that your wife will not say “Honey, you know you are right. Forget I said anything. I am being foolish. Want me to make you a sandwich while you rest and watch TV?”

Yes, you do look fat in that.

If you need my advice here of why this is a mistake then go ahead and consider yourself a hopeless case and pray that your wife is the most gracious person, besides Christ, to ever live.

You’re starting to remind me of your mother.

Mother In Laws are great (Mine reads my blog so I am using discernment here). But I assure you that your wife does not want to be compared to her. If you have said it I feel confident you did not mean it in that moment as a compliment. Sure you meant; “Dear, you are beginning to remind me of your mother. Your cooking is getting amazing and your beauty continues to increase!”

What’s wrong now?

Perception is reality. You might have the best intentions with this question but let me interpret for you in terms you will understand how your wife hears it, “Woman when are you going to stop breaking down and I have to come and fix you over and over again. I have better things to do.” I will repeat myself here that this will not go over well for you. If you communicate to your wife that she is a burden then she might very well show you how much she can make this a reality for you.

 

I recommend striking these five statements from your vocabulary to never be uttered again. Your world will be a much happier place if you do.

 

Dax

 

 

LEADERS PUT RELATIONSHIPS OVER TASKS PRINCIPLE #1

If you are a leader and you desire to grow in effectiveness, this post is written for you. It does not matter if you manage a department store, oversee a big company, serve as a pastor, elder, or deacon, or simply lead your family, the principles here are universal in their effectiveness.

What is needed to be a leader? Follower(s). To be a leader it is assumed that there is at least one person following you. A leader with no followers is either delusion or rejected. So we cannot lead unless people are following us. And that gets to the heart of what I want to write about: Since leadership is about leading people, then relating well to our people is essential.

Principle #1: Leaders put relationships over tasks.

Now for you doers, you with laminated To-Do lists who get fulfillment out of checking off tasks on the list, let me say from the beginning that I am not anti-tasks nor do i think leaders ignore tasks. Tasks are necessary to function as a leader. Scheduling has to happen along with planning of numerous details. Those things cannot be neglected in order to go hang out with the people. Some jobs call for more tasks than others. So do levels of leadership. The higher you are in an organization the more you probably delegate.

But surely you task-masters  agree with me that relationships will always be vital to being a leader. If we are not constantly engaging corporately and individually with people we influence then we will see that influence wain. Tasks alone are not enough to maintain influence. Relationships are organic and must constantly be nurtured in some form or they will slowly wither away.

Strong leaders prioritize well. They know when tasks have to be the focus and they follow through but relationships are always high on the priority list. We can never get to far away from being intentional to connect with those we influence.

So what are strategic ways leaders can connect with people without it usurping all their time. Here are some practical ways you can be present with your people while maintaining boundaries that allow you to do the other tasks vying for your attention.

What I am looking for here are low cost, high reward solutions. There will be times when greater investment is needed but these are the week to week ideas that will keep you week connected with those you lead. Here are just three of many that I find effective.

1. Stock up on postcards— I have found that sending three or four notes in the mail to people in my circle of influence is low cost, high reward. I try to be strategic with who I send them too. My context is leading a church. For me, it might be a note to someone who has been out for awhile due to illness. I might send one to a leader in our church, thanking them for believing in the vision and investing in our people. I might send another to a new member who is looking to get acclimated and could use a greater connection with me.

If you just sent three notes a week then you would have reached 156 people. Now think for a moment about the number of other people in your operation that those 156 influence. The influence of your note should benefit them as well, even if indirectly. It’s hard to measure the value of sending a personal note to people we lead. For me it is priceless.

2. Smile and Acknowledge— It is common for people to wonder just how their leader feels about them. In an organization with several people, many leaders have very little opportunity for one on one contact with most of their people. That is especially true for my setting, a large church. But there are ways to bridge the gap without killing yourself to connect with so many.

I’m going to let you in on a secret. You probably will accuse me of exaggerating the effectiveness of this but it’s so easy, you should try it to see for yourself. The secret is to train yourself (if this does not come naturally for you) to smile, make eye contact, and acknowledge people directly in passing. When you see them in the hall, in the break room, in their office, in the parking lot, outside of work; wherever you see them, make eye contact, smile, and acknowledge that they exist in your world. If you don’t know there name then address them generically. In passing you can say things like: Good to see you, nice shirt, great job yesterday, have a great day, etc…

I assure you that taking the time to look them in the eye (that is crucial by the way), smile at them (not in a scary or stalker kind of way), and address them will go further with them than you know. I see results  from this personally. There are members in my church that I do not get to connect with except in passing but because I take time to smile, look them in the eye, and acknowledge them, I know they are connecting with me on a personal level.

Now one thing I will caution you on. Sincerity is key. If you do not like your people and have venomous thoughts towards them, then this will not fly. People are smarter than that. They will call you out usually behind your back. You have to really care about them. If it comes from a sincere place than this is a powerful tool. And it comes at a very low cost to you with great reward.

3) Don’t Be Scared To Listen— There is little that gives our people more affirmation that they are vital than when we really listen to what they have to say. I am blessed to work with pastors that are extremely talented. While I have the final say on many decisions here, I have found that taking the time to listen to their opinion is extremely beneficial. When they are heard, it communicates to them that they are valuable. Plus it earns respect because the truth about most leaders is while they are in charge, they are not experts in everything. It’s pride and insecurity that keep a leader from allowing others to give input. Leaders gain respect when they listen to others advice. It shows  humility, while at the same time affirms that person’s value. Confident leaders do not fear being influenced.

I have given you three strategies I use in connecting with those I lead. I would challenge you to try them to see if they do not bolster your connection with those who follow you. The more our people are connected to us, the greater our influence will be.

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God Does Not Need You… He Wants You

God wants us to worship Him. He doesn’t need us, for He couldn’t be a self-sufficient God and need anything or anybody, but He wants us. When Adam sinned it was not He who cried, “God, where art Thou?” It was God who cried, “Adam, where art thou?”

AW Tozer

I am not sure I have a relationship on this earth where a person does not need something from me as I do from them. We have relationships in hopes of getting something out of it. The facts are: that God does not need me in any way… the realization that God is completely self-sufficient…there is nothing I can give Him to make him any more than he already is. Keeping all that in mind and then truly recognizing that God desires me is at the center of God’s revelation to all humanity. He chooses to pursue me because He created me and wants me to have a relationship with Him. It is the purest form of love and is unconditional. Our response is to marvel and our expression of marveling is to worship.